this happened when i was in my 4th or 5th grade level of my elementary schooling.
he (yes, he is a guy.) is a thin, fair-skinned guy. a year younger than me. he is not really cute but i find him as such. he has a wide mouth. maybe this is a reason for me to like him. we were playmates. we play the usual patintero, hide and seek, marbles, mini card games and the typical filipino kids to play during their childhood. i vaguely remember how it all started. i just knew, being a kid, young and curious, you play with your teenie weenies (dick).
young boys are being circumcised in the philippines at around 7-14 years old (this was just an estimate since i got my prepuce removed at 12) as a preparation to the adolescent stage. one is said to be ready when he can completely push his foreskin back and expose the mushroom-like head of his dick. RJ and i are both uncut during those times. we were having fun on playing with our dicks. playing jokes to those who cannot completely expose their glans penis.
one time, me with two other boys (they are brothers; one of them is a cross-dresser now, i believe the other one is a closet gay),found ourselves playing with RJ with this dick game. i saw that i have the biggest dick among us four. out of boredom, we paired and made our dicks "kiss" each other. that's where it started. this went on for about a year, but on an irregular time interval. we swordfight. hold each other's penises. lie on top of the other. swordfight again. sometime on a standing position.
i think me and RJ had the most contact in the group. we do it alone at times we are bored and got nothing else to play. the other guys don't know about these games between RJ and me. we did a lot of things. i lay on top of him and we swordfight. one time, i was curious about kissing and how would it feel. so with all guts, i asked RJ , "can we kiss?". he said yes, grabbed me and then we kissed. i think that is like doing a French one since we used tongue, eating(?) and licking like everything that touches each one's tongue. that was my very first kiss, i mean other than my mom and family. the very first kiss, which happens to be the most lustful kiss i ever had until i met my boyfriend. his mouth is wide (like that of julia roberts) and i think that made the kissing more uhhh ooohhh. RJ and i do swordfight while kissing on standing and lying positions. we did it in their sala (guests receiving room), in his brother's room, in another room and inside the bathroom. i vaguely remember if we bathe together. but i think it happened. he became my boyfriend (my subconscious mind) and for me he was like my love lust interest.
the month of june came and classes started again. that was the time when "our relationship games" were played seldomly until it came to a stop. i do not go play outside that much at the final year of my elementary education. since then, i never got the chance to talk to RJ again until now.
i moved on with my life without RJ. but that won't change a single fact. that i am still gay and belong to what i termed "the third-world country". i think RJ went on his way and i believe he is straight before that happened, while it was happening and after it happened until today. he was just at the stage of his life when children are curious and they would like to find out about everything. RJ's cat is still alived. curiousity killed mine.
(Photo from:http://www.jolls.co.uk/html/illustration_.html)
there are some persons i forgot to include on the first part of my list of crushes. anyway, i will just mention them first before going to my collegiate crushes.
*angela - i call her G. she was first girl i had a crush on when i was in my freshman year in high school. actually, i am a fan of her and raffa's (a classmate) love affair. raffa was courting him then. i do not know if this can actually happen in real life coz it sounds funny. one day, my last class ended and i was about to head home. some of my classmates and i were talking about G and raffa. i uttered a line, which i forgot, and i felt something weird. i imagined this scene: cupid went down from heaven and he strucked my heart with his magic love arrow. my heart began to beat faster. and i can't help but to think of G. after few weeks, G found out that i have a crush on her. i am a shy guy then. we talked on letters. love letters. i still have them on my "sentimental memories compiling box". i even composed poems every other day, and gave them to her. she actually did the same. but not all the time. sometimes, just plain letters. due to tight schedule and school workloads, we decided to answer each letter every after two days. raffa found out about the letter exchanging. we had a conflict. like that of a silent war. raffa and i are now in good terms. G transferred to another school on her sophomore year due to financial issues. before we parted ways, i composed a song about the friendship we shared, the times we were together, the memories we had. G and i got connected again after like 8 years on friendster.
*edz - edz is boyish during highschool. maybe, this is because of her life experiences. i had a crush on her because of that quality. i like girls who are sporty or those who have strong personalities. we are close friends today. she knows about me. she is the only girl in one of my small circle of friends. she has a boyfriend now and looks more girlish than before.
the next part of this post will list down my crushes during the college days of my life.. i'll try to post more next time.
(Photo from: http://thesodagallery.com/blog/?m=200801)
it's summertime. college students' break time for two agonizing semesters.. whew!. most will just enjoy their summer vacation - dvd marathon, swimming, nature trip, eating, resting and a lot more. some will enroll for summer classes to catch up, some crash courses or driving lessons maybe. some will look for summer job to kill boredom, as well as to earn some money. i am one of them who look for a job this summer. a random thought crosses my mind and got interested to what others will answer regarding this line.
what if i or you utter this : I NEED A JOB!
and someone replied: A handjob or a blowjob?!
what would you answer?! would you consider the photo above?! decide. now.
(Photo from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/17393582@N00/1926341932)
the following list will include the names of my past and present crushes, some who i am infatuated with and sometime put me in "daydreaming mode". most are guys but i also included girls (if i can). they may appear in chronological order. i will list the ones i can remember, as far as my brain can ravel back in time. some descriptions are included.
*roneth - she is my partner in one of my cousins wedding.
*jessica - my pre-elementary crush. she has a white skin and a cute smile.
*mariz (not sure of the spelling) - my 1st grade crush. she is the top student in our class.
*jeffer - my neighbor and 2nd grade buddy. we played a lot during our childhood. one experience from him is when he rubbed his dick against my back. that went weird for me. i also went curious. that was nice for a 6 year old kid. wink.
*dana - one of my girl friends. i think she is the prettiest in the group. (not only physical)
*raymond - our elementary school valedictorian. i adore him because he is really intelligent. but i am smarter when it comes to numbers. (geeky;p)
*christian kenneth - i love his chinky eyes (like that of koreans, japanese, and chinese people). but now he is fat and his appeal decreases. still love his eyes, though.
*jerone - this guy is so cute. he is younger than me. his cuteness made me like him. white skin. nice eyes. though just a small guy, until now. but his newly cut teenie-weenie just added flavor to my so-called "one-sided jerone madness". one incident happened (i am not sure of it) that altered destiny and pushed his mom to decide on his son's circumcision. that was the first time i saw a cut dick. and take note, he is younger than me. that's one thing that reconsider my sexuality. gawd.
*jourdan - my first ever love. i am still working on the next part of our love story. i only linked the first post about him. click his name.
those are some of my elementary days crushes. i can't remember the rest but i know they are around 20+ of them. now, i proceed.
*carlo - our high school valedictorian. he is such a cutie. i remember, almost everyone had a crush on him since he possesses this certain appeal. he is my seatmate for the entire high school. my ex jamie even had a crush on her.
*angel - i call him my "bro" (i may post a separate story for him). he became the mr. high school because he is handsome. he and i have the same surname that's why i call him bro. but there is more than that.
*melvin - there is really something special about this guy but i don't know it until today. all i can say is, he is really silent. he is not amiable, but never a war freak. he just don't like socializing that much. he doesn't care about rumors or news at all. but i think he is sensible. i love his skin. and his chin. (grin;D)
*archie - at a certain time, i had a crush on him. the way he treated me i think when we were sophomore students. or maybe it is just my wishful thinking again. ehe
*jayson - he transferred from i think saudi arabia to our school during the sophomore year. he is a dancer. i love his skin. his body built (lean perhaps). i dreamt of him as my boyfriend. he became my superior leader during a military training subject on senior year. he became my friend's love interest.
*bon - a chinito (chinky) guy since he is half-japanese. i love japanese men. we became like close during the junior year. i slept with him (i mean we were together on the same sleeping spot, not sex) when we were sophomore students. he invited me to go to the house of his mother (his parents are separated) in tarlac. i, again, thought that he was my boyfriend and that day is like "i am meeting his mom" and he will officially announce that we are dating. ehe. i still have a crush on him until now.
*joseph - i call him couz (cousin) but our relationship as such is still unproven. his surname is my middle name. he transferred during the junior year from another private school. i had a crush on him because at first, i heard that he is smart. but others say he is like a gossip mongrel. i see my boyfriend on joseph's person. they have the same nose shape, brown skin and they are both tall.
*gayel - he is a college student who is a nephew of our sophomore year instructor. he looks like song seung heon, a korean lead star on one asian novel i watched (click link). i love his eyebrows because they are thick or bushy, ehe
i may add some more and college dudes and gals are not yet included on the list. maybe next time.
(Photo from: http://www.art.com/products/p12045169-sa-i789250/crush.htm)
wow! i feel so relieved today.. after a long day of doing the laundry and meeting high school classmates for a graduation celebration, i guess what happened is worth the weariness.. i have long awaited for that moment to come and now it's over..
it's over, yet, it left a deep mark in my heart after that serious talk.. sigh.
long ago, like 4 years have passed now, i was planning to meet up with my ex girlfriend jamie. actually, we see each other on some normal days unexpectedly and have little chats. but what i really want is a serious conversation..
we were texting last night about our high school classmate's graduation invitation. we agreed to come if my friend (which happens to be our classmate too) will attend the party.. my friend agreed and we decided to meet around 4pm.. i ask jamie if she can come by 3pm and maybe my friend too because i wanna talk to her about something, with the presence of my friend. she replied "i'll try."
the said meeting did not happen at 3pm. jamie was late so i have to meet my friend at 3.30pm, waiting for me coz she arrived earlier. we talked about certain things and proceeded to our rendezvous. jamie arrived with another classmate at 4pm. we didn't have the chance to talk. i felt a little awkwardness coming from her. i know she had an idea about me being gay and she have some sources.
we had couples of small chats. when we arrived at the place, we had our own buddies to chat with. we only got the chance to talk like 20 minutes before we decided to go home. and that was not really formal. i told her i felt a sense of awkwardness coming from her. i continued to say some things which i thought will make us comfortable. on our way home, while waiting for a jeepney to ride on, i told her everything. the conversation went this way:
jamie: so what was it? me: we'll put it this way. what are the things you have heard about me after high school?, since like freshman college?!, jamie: well, i heard some people say that, uhhmmm, you know. that you and the guy you are with most of the time are, you know. for me it's fine, as long as you are happy. that's what i said to myself. me: ok. well then. the relationship thing is true.
so i told her how we met. how it went. how it is today. i didn't give her much details since some are unnecessary to say. and that will only make her feel awkward again. so i just went "we met on... at... we kinda get to know each other first.. blah blah blah.. we decided to take the chance and see if the relationship will work. we've been to ups and downs. i cheated blah blah. and now, we are together for more than 4years." she said: "wow!" and i saw a non-judgmental reaction, an honest one. i was so relieved. and i added more.
me: the time we were together, i loved you the way i understand it. i mean, it's sincere and pure. i know myself that time. but i didn't use you just to know the real me. i am not lost. so i am secured that i love you. though i know i am capable of swinging the other way.
jamie: uhmmm, ok.
me: they say that exes can't be friends again. but i beg to disagree. only with you. we were friends before, became lovers, ex-lovers. but now, i want to remain friends with you. like what you said in one of your letters when we were young. innocent. that you want to become my bestfriend. actually, we did. but more than that. i want you to become my friend again. a close friend maybe. you are my only ex that i wanna be friends with. honestly. and i still love you. i mean, i love you as someone who came in my life. not the romantic love, coz you know where i am now, right?!
jamie: wow. i am touched.
we rode on the jeepney and she told me about his ex boyfriend and what she went through. i texted her 5minutes after getting off that jeepney.
so little reactions from her. i am actually thinking that she might still feel awkward. but i wanna cherish the moment. don't wanna ruin it coz of my paranoia and pessimism. i am so happy.
"another chain came loose and my heart is feeling a lot better. i felt one notch more free than before. thank god for that. and also jamie." - happy kyle
(Photo from: http://www.thrivingfamilies.com/the-power-to-forgive-and-reconcile.htm)
he was white like that of chinese or korean skin. he is slim and just a few inches taller than me. he has a cute smile and a nice set of teeth. he has dark circles on his eyes but that is fine. his name is jourdan.
as far as my brain can travel back in time, we were classmates since the 2nd grade. we weren't close until we reached the 5th grade. he was part of the "boy group" in our class. he is not the first one that i had a crush on among the members of that group, but he was the first one who captured my heart like he will be my knight in shining armor.
during my intermediate elementary level (that is, from 4th to 6th grade), i belong to a barkada which are all girls. let me count them: lady, han, ann, cris, love, dana, and drei. they are seven and i'm the only guy in that group. the counterpart of this group is his group. its members were jeff, jas, jake, mer and him, jude (his nickname).
it started (sometime in 5th or sixth grade) when some of "my girls" initiated a game and the consequences is to tell everyone (not the whole class, just the GIRL group) who they admire. each revealed their secret crushes and maybe two or three of them had a crush on jude. then my turn came. honestly, i have a crush on jeff and we were romantically close (wishful, only for me) since 2nd grade because we were neighbors and been doing assignments together. his family knows me and i always stay at their house to do homeworks and sometimes play. my feelings for jeff is no longer as deep as it started and faded long before the time that game was played. i've got no one to tell the group. but i know that would be unfair. within a millisecond speed of thinking who i will choose among the other guys, i just blurted out his name without thorough judgment.
since then, my girls teased me, telling stuffs like me and jude are boyfriends. dating. kissing and hugging. and after a little while, jude found out.
(Photo from: http://blacksnob.com/snob_blog/tag/tiger-woods)
on a biblical basis, god created only man and woman. but in this world that we live in, a third sex was introduced. gay. the word "gay" is commonly referred to men who exhibit excessive femininity through actions, words, physical appearance, traits, mentality etc. and crosses a thin red line boundary between being a man and being a woman.. but i believe that it is more appropriate to use the word as the collective term for both men and women belonging to the third sex..
some of the terms use for gay males may include gay men, faggot, effeminate, shemale and many more while for gay females are lesbian, tomboy, and dyke among others. the word transvestism or cross-dressing can address to both gay males and females.
there are still many labels (both local and international) used to classify the gay people into different groups, according to their degree of "gayness". i, myself, am not a fan of using labels because nowadays, a number of people hide their gender preferences through masquerading the real them.
i believe that sexuality is fluid. we all tend to change our moods at different situations. our reactions at times depends to whom we are talking to. i believe, each and everyone of us, for once, have felt the counter-gender qualities, but some just remained secured with who they really are.
(Photo from: http://www.insidesocal.com/outinhollywood/out-in-music/)
this happened when i was in my 4th or 5th grade level of my elementary schooling.
