waiting for this day

wow! i feel so relieved today.. after a long day of doing the laundry and meeting high school classmates for a graduation celebration, i guess what happened is worth the weariness.. i have long awaited for that moment to come and now it's over..

it's over, yet, it left a deep mark in my heart after that serious talk.. sigh.

long ago, like 4 years have passed now, i was planning to meet up with my ex girlfriend jamie. actually, we see each other on some normal days unexpectedly and have little chats. but what i really want is a serious conversation..

we were texting last night about our high school classmate's graduation invitation. we agreed to come if my friend (which happens to be our classmate too) will attend the party.. my friend agreed and we decided to meet around 4pm.. i ask jamie if she can come by 3pm and maybe my friend too because i wanna talk to her about something, with the presence of my friend. she replied "i'll try."

the said meeting did not happen at 3pm. jamie was late so i have to meet my friend at 3.30pm, waiting for me coz she arrived earlier. we talked about certain things and proceeded to our rendezvous. jamie arrived with another classmate at 4pm. we didn't have the chance to talk. i felt a little awkwardness coming from her. i know she had an idea about me being gay and she have some sources.

we had couples of small chats. when we arrived at the place, we had our own buddies to chat with. we only got the chance to talk like 20 minutes before we decided to go home. and that was not really formal. i told her i felt a sense of awkwardness coming from her. i continued to say some things which i thought will make us comfortable. on our way home, while waiting for a jeepney to ride on, i told her everything. the conversation went this way:

jamie: so what was it? me: we'll put it this way. what are the things you have heard about me after high school?, since like freshman college?!, jamie: well, i heard some people say that, uhhmmm, you know. that you and the guy you are with most of the time are, you know. for me it's fine, as long as you are happy. that's what i said to myself. me: ok. well then. the relationship thing is true.

so i told her how we met. how it went. how it is today. i didn't give her much details since some are unnecessary to say. and that will only make her feel awkward again. so i just went "we met on... at... we kinda get to know each other first.. blah blah blah.. we decided to take the chance and see if the relationship will work. we've been to ups and downs. i cheated blah blah. and now, we are together for more than 4years." she said: "wow!" and i saw a non-judgmental reaction, an honest one. i was so relieved. and i added more.

me: the time we were together, i loved you the way i understand it. i mean, it's sincere and pure. i know myself that time. but i didn't use you just to know the real me. i am not lost. so i am secured that i love you. though i know i am capable of swinging the other way.

jamie: uhmmm, ok.

me: they say that exes can't be friends again. but i beg to disagree. only with you. we were friends before, became lovers, ex-lovers. but now, i want to remain friends with you. like what you said in one of your letters when we were young. innocent. that you want to become my bestfriend. actually, we did. but more than that. i want you to become my friend again. a close friend maybe. you are my only ex that i wanna be friends with. honestly. and i still love you. i mean, i love you as someone who came in my life. not the romantic love, coz you know where i am now, right?!

jamie: wow. i am touched.

we rode on the jeepney and she told me about his ex boyfriend and what she went through. i texted her 5minutes after getting off that jeepney.

so little reactions from her. i am actually thinking that she might still feel awkward. but i wanna cherish the moment. don't wanna ruin it coz of my paranoia and pessimism. i am so happy.

"another chain came loose and my heart is feeling a lot better. i felt one notch more free than before. thank god for that. and also jamie." - happy kyle

(Photo from: http://www.thrivingfamilies.com/the-power-to-forgive-and-reconcile.htm)